Waxing Lyrical.......

[Rooster-UK]

A GUIDE TO WAXING. HEED WELL !


All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
Read on.........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my
mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of
the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold
wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together
in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your
leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss.
How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined
enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay
the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of
my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down
to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!! !!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!...
OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe.................. OK, back
to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me
so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the
glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair.
The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered
in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember
my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something.
So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing
worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued
together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself
to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking
surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued
together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various
solutions I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing
feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!!
It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE....... ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair colour......

[Lula]

ROFLMAO thats great

[Rooster-UK]

It never fails to astound me, the pain and discomfort that women subject themselves to, deliberately.

[pinkduchess]

<crying laughing>

[Hippy-chick]

Originally Posted by Rooster-UK

It never fails to astound me, the pain and discomfort that women subject themselves to, deliberately.

Me as well, Rooster.

Have never understood it myself.

[Castlebest]

that is sooo funny... oh dear <laffin>

[pinkduchess]

i did try a DIY wax kit once....only once!!!!

[Castlebest]

thankfully being male hair isnt a big problem and being blonde its no problem at all... apart from looking like a negative when I have a tan <laffin>

My worst experience is forgetting to buy new blades for my razor and having to use an old blade to shave.. nothing like getting dangerous chemicals close to delicate bits

[pinkduchess]

blonde??

and what the hell are you shaving?

[Rooster-UK]

Originally Posted by pinkduchess

i did try a DIY wax kit once....only once!!!!

So THAT'S where the story originated.

My worst experience is forgetting to buy new blades for my razor and having to use an old blade to shave

I can top that.... Old blade, with a nick in the edge (to pluck the whiskers out), Cold water and no shaving foam!

[Hippy-chick]

Originally Posted by Rooster-UK

So THAT'S where the story originated.


I can top that.... Old blade, with a nick in the edge (to pluck the whiskers out), Cold water and no shaving foam!

It never fails to astound me, the pain and discomfort that men subject themselves to, deliberately.



Now why does that sound familiar?

[pinkduchess]

Originally Posted by Rooster-UK

So THAT'S where the story originated.

lol


i was able to identify with SOME of that story - and i can remember the bruises!!

Never again...ever!!!

[Rooster-UK]

Originally Posted by Hippy-chick

It never fails to astound me, the pain and discomfort that men subject themselves to, deliberately.



Now why does that sound familiar?

We have to...... otherwise its, "You need a shave, you scruffy git!" moan, moan, moan!

[Hippy-chick]

Originally Posted by Rooster-UK

We have to...... otherwise its, "You need a shave, you scruffy git!" moan, moan, moan!

You're not meeting the right kind of girls.