How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb??

[cosmicjade26]

Below are a list of responses from different breed personality types:

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

Greyhound: If It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry...

How may cats does it take to change a lightbulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change lightbulbs. So the real question is:

All Cats answer: "How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

[Mr lex]

Dog Property Rules

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, it's yours.

[thetenter]

Originally Posted by lexandergundogs

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, it's yours.

You don't know my ex wife by any chance?

[ukaviator]

Lol... i was going to say, reminds me of my ex wife..

[cosmicjade26]

I don't know about you but i wasn't thinking Ex's... i was thinking more about it sounding like my kids....

[Mr lex]

A dog's chalkboard assignments

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment. A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and other thin plastic things.

2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.

3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper;

4. [xxx] is not a toy.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.

5. I will not chew the [xxx].
Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.

6. I will not bark at [xxx].
Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).

7. I will not dig [xxx].
Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a swimming pool in the back yard;

In Fun,

Lex

[Gertie100]

I roared when I read this, emailed it my husband who rang me and asked if it was meant to be funny.....honestly men! (but that's a whole other thread... )

[kia]

lol still laughing got a lab myself and ive seenall of that lol

[Mr lex]

Hi Kia and all,

I think you will like this......

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY


Day 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!


Day 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!


Day 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing
that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.


DAY 761

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
their feet while they were walking almost succeeded,
must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt
to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...
must try this on their bed.


DAY 765

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and
to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed
and condescend ed about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmm..... Not working according to plan.


DAY 768

I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however
it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What
sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation
is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.


DAY 771

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could
hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes
they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my
confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn
what this is and how to use it to my advantage.


DAY 774

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than
happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the
other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to
his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

In fun,

Lex

[flowerofsarum]

Things we can learn from a dog

• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
• When it is in your best interest, practice obedience.
• Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
• Take naps and stretch before rising.
• Run, romp and play daily.
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
• Be loyal.
• Never pretend to be something you're not.
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit nearby and nuzzle him or her gently.
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
• No matter how often you are scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
• Delight in the simple joys of a long walk.
• If you don't own a dog, at least one, there is not necessarily anything wrong with you, but there may be something wrong with your life.
• Dogs laugh with there tails
• To err is human; to forgive, canine.
• (Originally By David & Karen Tadlock)

[flowerofsarum]

O, I'm loving this ...

Top 10 Reasons why dogs don't use computers

10. TOoOp hqa5rxd 6ttO[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds
(Too hard to type with paws)
9. "sit" and "stay" were hard enough: "delete" and "save" are out of the question.

8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

7. Carpal Paw Syndrome.

6. Involuntary wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing Pet Food: Premium, Healthy Pet Food | Purina.com.

5. Fire hydrant icons are simply frustrating.

4. Can't help attacking the screen when he hears, "you've got mail."

3. Too messy to mark every Web sites he visits.

2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

1. Can't stick his head out of Windows Vista.

[cosmicjade26]

When Dogs Go Cross Breed

*Pointer + Setter =
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

*Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier =
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

*Great Pyrenees + Dachshund =
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

*Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso =
Peekasso, an abstract dog

*Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel =
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

*Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever =
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

*Newfoundland + Basset Hound =
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

*Terrier + Bulldog =
Terribull, a dog prone to awful mistakes

*Bloodhound + Labrador =
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

*Malamute + Pointer =
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

*Collie + Malamute =
Commute, a dog that travels to work

*Deerhound + Terrier =
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

*Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller =
Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband

*Bull Terrier + ****zu =
Bull****z, a gregarious but unreliable breed

[cosmicjade26]

Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Top 10 reasons why dogs are better than women.

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.

9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.

8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.

7. A dog never expects you to telephone.

6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.

5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.

4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.

3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.

2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.

1. A dog does not shop.